Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Melvins Get Rescued By Malfunkshun, A Dumb Redneck, And A Hideous Pair Of Tapestry Pants

 This is one of my favorite stories to tell, enjoy!


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It was a cold, dreary night somewhere south of Seattle.  The Melvins, Malfunkshun , and some metal band were playing.  It really was fricken cold that night -- I actually remember the fog, so I am not trying to be dramatic!  So the short version of this is that the feisty but inexperienced metal band would not listen to me and Marcus (M- Funk's mgr and good friend), and by the end of the night, even though it was packed, they were to receive no money.  We had to break this to them after the show.  So imagine, Andy there in those purple spandex that I begged him not to wear and also the white face paint.  I had not "changed the formula" yet, so it was all dripping down his neck.  Of course Kevin was in La La Land nowhere to be found, so me and Marcus are there facing these tough, older metal head dudes who are getting really upset as we try to explain to them how they fucked up by letting 100 people in on their guest list even after we warned them.  Musically, it was so successful with a big, wild crowd and in the middle of nowhere on a rainy night in Washington.  These guys were truly being chodes who, if anything, should have been on cloud nine and not cared about the cash at all -- a lesson I was about to teach them by grabbing the cash off the table and shoving it down my pants!  I know, gross!  All that old dirty birdy biker money tarnishing my lovely knickers!
                                                                                 This is the show!  Enter Landrew! 


 (It all went straight to the dry cleaners, don't worry.)  One of the reasons this is such a funny memory is because of the way the room looked.  It was something you'd see nowadays on the Sopranos: a back room with greyish walls, a desk, a chair, and a single light hanging from the ceiling.  Then there was the epic look on Marcus's face -- he literally turned as white as Andy's clown makeup!  So after some "renegotiating," we settled, but here's the kicker:  we were all apparently a little bit nervous (yes, even I ), and so I still accidentally ended up with the 200 to 300 dollars they owed us for the sound, and so then I look at the metal dude, and he looks at me, and he knew it was too late, and yeah he looked downright defeated!  It was epic!
So here is the best part of the story.  We gave the money to The Melvins, who were at the time sleeping in their vans.  I have told this story a bunch of times, and I usually give myself more of the credit for being the bold one to shove the cash down my pants, but I must say, no one in the band had a problem with it.  We happily gave them all the money, and I remember asking Andy the whole way home, "How can the Muppets be homeless?" to which he replied with a smile, "They do kind of look like Muppets, but they are tougher than the average Muppet.  You will see, they will be just fine." 
I know that these guys deserve all the credit for their wonderful contribution to the music world.  It still feels good to think we may have helped, even if for just one night.  Besides, we all know that is when some of the best music is written- under the harshest of circumstances, which they have clearly weathered with sheer determination.  Still, I do believe Andy was right.  They are "tougher than the average Muppet."

Here is a taste of the Melvins! 
Don't forget to check out this new album!